Goal: Develop an ability to skillfully coach other people through mind-reads
Estimated time: 15–30 minutes
Attempt this exercise only after you’ve had success in checking out your own mind-reads and responding to mind-reads about you. Also be sure that you’re able to respond skillfully to the strong feelings that can emerge when someone learns the truth about their mind-reads. (Review the warning below.)
A Word of Caution about Mind-Read Coaching
To coach another person through testing a mind-read, you need to be prepared for the possibility that they’ll get an answer that’s difficult to hear. Having a positive mind-read disconfirmed (the person they like really isn’t attracted to them) may destroy a dearly held hope or fantasy. Having a negative mind-read confirmed (their father really is disappointed in their choice of career) may turn a worrisome speculation into an upsetting reality. Don’t try coaching someone if you’re not able to respond skillfully to the grief, disappointment, anger, and other strong feelings they may wind up experiencing. Also, it’s best not to intervene in mind-reads unless you have clear authority to do so, either because of your formal role (coach, mentor, therapist, etc.) or because the other person has explicitly asked for your help.
When you’re ready to try coaching, find somebody you trust who isn’t familiar with the concept of mind-reads, and ask if they’d be willing to help you practice a new communication strategy you’re learning. If they say yes (and only if they say yes), go through the following steps:
- Give your partner a basic introduction to mind-reads. Explain what mind-reads are, why they’re problematic, and what you’ve discovered by testing them against reality.
- Ask the person if they have a mind-read that they’re comfortable talking about. If they do, ask the following series of questions:
- What is your mind-read?
- What is the impact of not checking out that mind-read?
- What would be the impact of learning that the mind-read is true?
- What would be the impact of learning that the mind-read is false?
- With this in mind, do you want to test your mind-read?
- If they would like to test the mind-read, coach them to come up with the words to do that (stating the mind-read, then asking a yes-or-no question). Have them practice until they can express themselves effectively.
- Once you’re finished, get some feedback about your coaching. Ask your partner about the following issues:
- What did you do that was helpful, and what wasn’t helpful?
- Did the person come away with a clear understanding of mind-reads?
- Did they learn something new about their relationship with the person they’re mind-reading?
- Did you help them see what they could do differently about their mind-reading?
- Did they feel judged or criticized at any point during the exercise? If so, when?
- If they came up with a strategy for testing their mind-read, are they satisfied with it? Are they confident about their ability to put it into practice?
- Is there any other feedback they’d like to give to help you improve your coaching?
Use the feedback you receive to hone your coaching skills over time. We recommend that you get plenty of practice with this exercise before you try intervening spontaneously when mind-reads come up naturally in conversation.
Example
You: What is your mind-read?
Partner: I think my daughter is upset with me for forgetting her birthday.
You: What is the impact of not checking out that mind-read?
Partner: When she doesn’t call me, I keep wondering whether it’s because she’s busy or because she’s angry. I feel awkward talking to her without this being cleared up.
You: What would be the impact of learning that the mind-read is true?
Partner: I would know she is still upset with me, and we could talk about it. Hopefully we could work things through together.
You: What would be the impact of learning that the mind-read is false?
Partner: It would be a relief. I could relax and let it go.
You: With this in mind, do you want to test your mind-read?
Partner: Yes, I do.
You: (Coach your partner to come up with the words to test their mind read.)
Partner: I’ve been thinking you’re upset with me for forgetting your birthday. Is that true?